Soccer... Why don't you love me?

I'd be a soccer fan, if soccer wanted me to be a soccer fan.

It seems like a popular sport and in my experience, things with wide ranging appeal are usually pretty enticing. People I know who like soccer seem like reasonable people. We share other common interests, and I really believe I'd like soccer... except I don't understand soccer and no one is willing to help me.

The biggest offenders are soccer commentators. Unlike football, baseball and virtually every televised American sport, soccer telecasters make no attempt to explain strategy. To me, it just looks like a bunch of men running around. Hockey used to look similar, until Barry Melrose started breaking down film for the layman.

Soccer needs a John Madden. Someone who irritates the arm chair expert, but is a godsend to those of us new to the sport (and by “new” I mean those of us who quit playing when we learned how to swing a baseball bat). I don't understand soccer off sides, and I haven't got a clue what elicits a red or yellow card, although the latter seems to be pretty serious.

No sport does a better job with its TV time than NASCAR. My wife can sit and watch a race, and she's a gear head only if Barbie is overweight. The cut away car is fascinating. There are a dozen pit reporters taking me inside each team's playbook. There are all sorts of graphs diagrams explaining the difference between clean and dirty air.

Cycling does a nice job making its sport accessible for everyone at home as well, but I must confess I'm in the small percentage of people really into cycling. The layman may disagree. Soccer won't even break away from the action to show a timely replay. I promise watching Tim Howard make another outrageous save is more fun the second time than watch the midfielders chase a ball over the center line.