How Lauren Stole 'American Idol' last night...

Let's roll play. We are every guy who's ever tried to break up with a high school girlfriend. Lauren Alaina is that girlfriend.

Us: So, um, listen. I really enjoy hanging out with you but-

Lauren: Me too. I love you so much! I mean, you are just so wonderful!

Us: Yeah, well... you see I'm not sure I can give you what you need.

Lauren: (looks concerned. somewhere deep down in her ultra pure heart the tear factory is starting up)

Us: Yeah, it's just. I think. (long pause) I have too much going on right now, and I can't give you the time -

Lauren: (barely holding back tears) Are you breaking up with me?

Us: Well, I love you. But I'm not "in love" with you.

Lauren: (twenty minutes worth of sobbing, begging, pleading and general pathetic cuteness)

Us: OK, you know what?  You're right.  I'm just being an idiot.  I am in love with you.

Last night on 'Idol' we almost broke up with Lauren, and it didn't go too well. If you saw those tears and that adorable quivering lip, and you felt no compassion, your soul (to quote the Grinch) is an "appalling dump heap overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable."

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I'm not sure America can go through that again. If we "dump" James, Haley or (God forbid) Scotty, I think each would be disappointed and grieve privately. We wouldn't have to see it.

Sometimes in life and love, the winner is the one we fear disappointing most and right now Lauren scares the hell out of me.

My senior year of high school I ran into a similar problem. I remained in an unsatisfying relationship for months after initially trying to break up with a really sweet girl. MONTHS! She kept winning me back with that quivering lip. The tight blue jeans helped too, but mostly the quivering lip.